Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.