Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
happy valentine’s day to me
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
<—- homeless romantic
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom