Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*