ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
the world’s most popular steaming services
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.