ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
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doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
*performs CPR on the turkey*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”