me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
i meant to share this earlier
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own