@iwearaonesie: me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
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@kevinseccia: When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
@captainkalvis: CRIME SCENE me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires british officer: what about that bloody fork me: this is no time to eat sir
@realHamOnWry: Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called 'Calvin and Sobs'.
@DillDoes: [Bar] "What'll you have" Scotch "You want it neat" No thanks *bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky* Thanks