me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Grandmother clock.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less