Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
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Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.