Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
This was a bad idea all around
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
get you a girl who
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Whoa 😂
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*