Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]