You Might Also Like
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up