Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses