me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
You Might Also Like
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”