A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish