Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
You Might Also Like
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist