Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.