ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
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This meeting could have been a cake
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.