ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Yoga Matt
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?