[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
mom gave me mine for free
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline