Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
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HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.