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“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Thanks to a fan for this one!
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.