If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Damn what did I do next
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”