Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I’m crying im so happy for them
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.