Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Awwwww shit.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
classic mixup
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.