People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Perfect
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?