me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
This kid is a star!
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.