me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
You Might Also Like
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Terribly Tuesday.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?