I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Bobby pin
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Twitter is an abusement park.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*