ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.