ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”