me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
You Might Also Like
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Haha good job!!
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Facebook Twitter
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Alexa: *deep breath*
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.