me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible