Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.