ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
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If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
how high up are we talkin’?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!