ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
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Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird