ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Note to self: I am a note
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]