ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Why font matters.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.