Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[at the general store]
me: one general please
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.