ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
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I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.