ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
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Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”