Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
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“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.