me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone