me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
i wish i could marry a nap
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.