me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Ugh
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.