Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.