@NATxHAN: Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
@fastmofobanshee: Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
@SortaBad: Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: "I do"
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
@sad_tree: *literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
@TheReal_AndyMac: One time I asked, "What would Jesus do?". That's the same day I almost drowned.
@QuietPsycho: I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the "Sunni D" family