@NATxHAN: Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
@abrianmc: I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
@TravLeBlanc: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
@ambamthankyamam: My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English".
@DanMentos: “I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
@kalindi_rana: I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn't even funny the first time.