@NATxHAN: Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
@myles_morrison: I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.
@Whatevah_Amy: If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they'll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
@RobDenBleyker: Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
@DanMentos: One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic
@lawyerthoughts: Hey people who don't understand sarcasm, what's it like being so awesome?