@NATxHAN: Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
@shariv67: When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they're thinking, "Shit. Did I leave the iron on?"
@julezmac: "People want to drink a panic attack." -- inventor of 5 Hour Energy
@OVO_Ty15: Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username 'Voldemort69' again
@Scott_A_Gilmore: Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.
@JeffLoveness: "I would absolutely say I'm an introvert!" - Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.