@NATxHAN: Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
@MindyFurano: Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
@PaulyPeligroso: I'll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
@brianbowman73: I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
@CarpentersCrack: I like to stop drinking somewhere between "watch this" and "ohhhhhh shit".
@onion_an: Therapist: What's the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan