Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Worst Native American name ever.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Many hands make light work
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
incredible
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”