Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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most whales are bigger than a strawberry
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week