Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
You Might Also Like
😏😏😏
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Unexpected Judgment
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight