I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
You Might Also Like
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Why am I like this?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I love you…
…r dog.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.