ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house