ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
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So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
it must be school picture day
☺️
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human