Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
bad
worse
worst
worchester
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Don’t tell me what to do
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.